i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
