Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Randomize
