Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
