I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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