i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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