He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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