i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
