When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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