you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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