I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
