please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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