its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
It's blow job season.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
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