He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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