i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
