remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
