Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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