I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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