im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
