I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
