don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
