evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
