I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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