my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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