Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
as a side note pls kill me
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
