The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
