His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
There's even glitter on my cock...
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