Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize
