i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
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