i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
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