Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
