Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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