i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
