you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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