Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
