mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
