I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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