why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Getting drunk in a different country is not a good idea. Lets just say spanish women, 17 yr olds from missouri, prostitutes, and a poodle. I don´t want to leave spain.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
