Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
