i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Randomize
