I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
