just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
