Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
