Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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