did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
