This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
