If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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