My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
