plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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