so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
