good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
