I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
you had me at cake vodka
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
I did not marry a roomba.
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