Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
